Shit happens.

I had a bad day. Well, to be more specific; I had a bad night, therefore I had a bad day. It was the last night before Matthew left to go back to England, so we stayed up till about 3 talking nonsense and having a great time. I then woke up around 5am to find my bag had burst, there was output everywhere, hence the appropriate title, “shit happens.” I’ve never felt so humiliated. Have you ever had that feeling when you feel like a child and you’ve done something wrong? I felt like this, but coupled with crippling embarrassment and humiliation. Here I am, a 19 year old teenager, in bed with her boyfriend and I’ve literally shit the bed. I’ve never felt so small in my life, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and never uncurl. I think the combination of it being early in the morning, me having no sleep, having Matthew in the bed and knowing that this was the last night before he left just had me feeling extremely sorry for myself. I gathered my stoma products together and went to the bathroom, cleaned myself up, had a freezing cold shower, put a new bag on, sat down and cried my eyes out. You see, I’m usually a control freak, I don’t like having things done for me, I’m too independent. I also don’t like things happening to me that I have no control over. Having my bag burst made me feel so helpless, so dirty and disgusted in myself. I know I couldn’t have done anything about it but I just detest the fact that I let it happen. I quietly went upstairs and got some more bed sheets and came back down, all the while holding my bag to try and heat the glue up to make it stick more, trying to see through the haze of teary eyes and trying to wipe my nose without hurting my new nose piercing, I was a mess. It was then that Matthew woke up, saw me struggling and took everything from me. He pulled me into his arms and calmed me down, told me there was nothing to be embarrassed about. His words were; “Roisin, look what you’ve overcome. You’re the bravest person I know. You’ve nothing to be embarrassed about” he changed my bed for me while I went to get a tissue, I got myself some new pyjamas and he tucked me back up into bed. Although I had a bad night, I’m not going to let it phase me. I’m a strong, brave, independent woman, who has overcome something I would never wish upon anyone. Accidents happen and why should I be so humiliated when it’s something out of my control? Although I’m not in uni, I’m learning everyday. Last nights lesson is that I need to accept that I can’t always be in control of what happens, I just need to understand that if it’s good; it’s a memory and if it’s bad; it’s a lesson. This stoma saved my life, why should I detest something that allowed me to live? Without it I wouldn’t have been lying in bed with Matthew in the first place. Yes, it was humiliating, but it’s not the end of the world. Shit does happen and I need to learn that I have no control over things like this, it’s simply life teaching me how to live. So yes, I had a bad day, but it’s not a bad life. I’ve got to remember to take the good out of every situation.

“rock bottom is just good solid ground and a dead end street is just a place to turn around.”


4 thoughts on “Shit happens.

  1. I have just tonite on Easter, found your blog .
    It’s a God send . I Already Love you , because I see my husband going through what you are going through . He has not went for his reversal yet . But I feel it will be very soon . I have watched him go through all this , and believe me it came on suddenly as a blocked intestine which brought on signs of a heartattack , a few days later a colostomy bag .
    Twelve years ago he almost died with Chrohns,
    Had remicade iv treatments twice and was in total remission for twelve yrs . So that’s where we are in this fight . We are believing in The Lord to put him in Remission again . God Bless you and I hope we can keep in touch . I will be praying for you love . You are very strong .

    1. Well thank you very much fir your comment Monica. I’m glad you found me! Please feel free to pass my blog on to anyone you think it may help. Crohns can be a deadly disease and it all too often goes undiagnosed because people don’t know what is happening to their body. Give your husband a hug from me, he sounds like he has been through an awful lot. If he would like, I am part of a very good group on Facebook that is for people with a bowel disease or ileostomy, colostomy and Ureostomy bags, he is more than welcome to join? Or yourself for that matter, I’m sure you’ve suffered just as much as your husband. If you or your husband have any questions about the reversal, please don’t hesitate to ask them! I will answer any question if it wil help to put your minds at rest! I wish you all the health and happiness in the world – Roisin

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