Don’t you dare let it break you.


I’ve had a good run! 5 years counting with no flares, very little pain and managed disease on low dosage of Azothioprine, diet and lifestyle but just a little blip in the master plan of conquering Crohns Disease…  I’ve found myself back in hospital with a fistula and an abscess. Whilst visiting Matt on the Isle of Harris, a pain I’d had in my lower back got increasingly worse, I started feeling infected, I was hallucinating, throwing up, and the pain was becoming unbearable. Took myself off to the local A&E on Stornaway where my temperature had sky rocketed, I was irritable and in a lot of pain. The nurses and doctors were amazing; they had me assessed and prepped for surgery in less than 3 hours where they made an incision down my left bum cheek to drain the abscess and suture the fistula. The surgery went really well and I’m now in very little pain at all but it very quickly shot me back into a really dark and terrifying place that you can often find yourself falling into with a crohnic illness. It had me thinking about the long term; how is this going to effect my work? how is this going to impact all of the adventures I had planned this year?  Will this happen again and is there anything I can do to stop it? Will this leave me incontinent in the future? Will I need an ileostomy bag again? There are to many questions swimming around in my head that, coupled with my body being filled with pain killers, I very quickly ended up in a full blown panic attack. But reading back over some previously blogs I’d written reassured me that I’ve been here before. I’ve been in that place that feels so completely isolated and lonely and as if no one has ever felt how you’re feeling and the thing that re-reading my blogs made me realise? It passes. It passes really quickly when you remember how wonderful the doctors and nurses are, or how quick your family and friends are to rally around you. It passes, and I think that’s the thing to remember to anyone reading these blogs…all of this is temporary. There will be respite from whatever pain you’re feeling or whatever dark place you’re stuck in. Allow all of the negative feelings to happen, share them with someone you trust and let them wash over you because it will get better, it might just take your body a little time. I’ve always found writing cathartic, and a lot of that in the past 5 years has been privately in a  blog or a diary but some times it needs to be shared. I know some very close friends who have been stuck in this really shitty, dark place for a while now but believe me, it’s temporary. Crohn’s Disease doesn’t make you, and don’t you dare let it break you. You will be okay.