As she trod carefully, avoiding all obstacles in her path; the sudden realisation of the choice she was about to make hit her like an empty ship abandoned at sea, crashing upon her with its almighty strength. Holding herself tight, she struggled to breathe, the air abandoning her lungs; she was suffocating. Tears began to pool in the corners of those blue, blue eyes, wide with fear. Suddenly she felt young again, naive and terrified, she needed to be held. Clutched safely to someone’s chest, she longed to hear the rhythmic beat of their heart, nothing could slow hers as it pounded in her ears, forcing her skull to pulsate to accommodate the blood gushing through her veins. She felt it thud deep in her stomach, her arms instinctively wrapped around herself, clutched protectively around her small, fragile frame. The hair on the back of her neck stood tall, stalling the sweat slithering slowly down the curve in her neck. She was drowning, consumed with fear. Which way should she go? Both directions were painfully dark, rigged with everything she had ever avoided, one was undoubtably going to end her, crush her in an agonisingly slow manner. Thieving the light from her eyes, the flesh from her bones. Feeding forever on her strength, her sanity, until one day her mind and her beating heart seize. Frozen in a realm of mirrored walls. unable to escape she’d sit, glaring at who she had become. Forever haunted by the fear of what could be. This diseased ridden beast had torn through her like an animal possessed, robbed her of her adulthood, memories tainted with it’s constant torment. She was pissed. Furious that things had come this far. She glanced nervously down the remaining path, her heart drilling through her chest. It was dark, uncertain and she knew to take that one fatal step would mean catapulting herself into the unknown. Somehow she knew it would be painful, she understood that she was going to suffer immensely. This thought, although terrifying, calmed her mind. Something was urging her to move, to make a choice. Silencing her mind she released her body, unaware she had been gripping herself so tightly. Her pulse was slowing, reassuring her that she still had some control over her own body. Tentatively she tested her legs. Yes, she was still in control. Flexing her fingers, she moved them through the cool air. Closing her eyes she took one final breath and slowly released her feet from their firm stance, she took a step and smiled. This was it, the journey begins.
– R. x
The ramblings of a crohns kid. 